THE INSECURE BABY

Oh look how hurt I am.  See how I suffer.  I want you to see how emotionally upset I am. I lost everything. I am a victim.

Wow that was an insight I had after all these years of insecurity. Each and every situation in my life has always been an emotional turmoil because I was the cause and effect but in reverse order. I could never look at the bigger picture. I always wanted everyone to say oh poor darling suffering all alone. But now that I think of all those situations, I had caused them to draw attention to myself.

I look back to the days when I needed to be the center of attention I became the drama queen.  I look back to the days when I was incapable of completing my work and blamed it on the personal life which was again me not able to deal with my personal emotions trying to lean on others. I look back at The Insecure Baby that I have been all these years.

I remembered the famous mythological story of Lord Ganesha and Lord Muruga competing for the Mystical Mango where Lord Muruga alights his peacock and flies to win the race whereas Lord Ganesha sits back and thinks for a minute, understands that their parents being the creators were the world so going around them won him the Mystical fruit. Lord Muruga couldn’t believe that such a fatso with just a Mouse for a vehicle could have won the race. So he accuses the parents of being partial and leaves the heavenly abode to do penance on Palani hills. Parents try to stop him, brother tries to give the victory away yet the arrogant child goes off dramatically expressing contempt and anger. Saint Avayyar finally explains that Lord Muruga was wrong in thinking the Mango as a prize for the fastest son whilst the same being the actual prize for the one with more wisdom.

Like Lord Muruga, I am always seeking validation for my efforts not realizing that I made bad choices because of lack of wisdom and all the efforts I put was for the wrong reasons idealizing the wrong people in my life. It was all because of my insecurity for not understanding that I am grievance looking for a cause. When I know I am hurt why would I allow it to balloon up and explode instead of sorting it out then and there. Why do I need constant drama? Why can’t I recognize the early signs? All due to my insecure self trying to always find the strength in others rather than recognizing my weaknesses.

I know I look good but I want others to tell me how I look. I know I cook well but I want others to tell me the meal was tasty. I know I have few talents but I want others to tell me that I am good at those. I know I am insecure but I didn’t want others to tell me I am insecure. Why do I need constant validation. Was it because I received a lot of it when young or because I received none when young....I wonder how long it’s going to take for me to heal and  gain wisdom....but I know I have chosen the right path now...I have a long way to go....Don’t  I?

 

 

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