Chemistry

 

Me, Myself & I

I am obsessed. Have always been obsessed with the most beautiful creation that is Me. God must have been at his highest spirits while creating me. My looks, My charm, My talents, My uniqueness, My humility…. Wait a minute said my conscience that is called Vanity you stupid, all I see is your EGO.

As I always do when I find time (which is almost always)  I pondered over this. How is it that some of us are so obsessed with ourselves that we miss even the biggest indication that we are self-centered? How is it that some of us are not ready to accept we are wrong even when we ourselves know the truth? How is it we intentionally hurt others when we know that all they are doing is stating the fact ? So where does this Egocentric selfishness take root. How is it created?

When young, I knew I could never compete with boys in the sports or physique arena so I opted the intelligence arena which was filled with much more cleverer girls than I, the discovery of competition, led me to arts, then again there were others who were already stars, that is when the insecure me created the demon called my EGO. To satisfy that demon I started lying to myself that I am the best. According to me I was the most beautiful girl in class (even when all the boys eyes were glued on other girls), according to me I was the most charming girl in class (even though I had just 3 friends), according to me I was the best dancer (even though I always had to wait to be picked for school auditions) according to me I was my teacher's favorite student(even though none of my teachers even remembered my name). Now I realize how my EGO was created. The feeling of inferiority created a monster that had this un-quenched thirst to feel Superior. It started drinking from other's pools not understanding every drop it took shrunk the real me and inflated the demon in me. Now I realize that all I had was not an enormous EGO but a fragile self-esteem which led to the creation of my selfish self-centeredness. It created a neediness in me to prove to the world that I am the best, that I am awesome, that I am wonderful, that I am superhuman, and yes I started seeing myself through the eyes of others. 

The exaggerated and enhanced images that I posted on social media (should call it hell – for creating demons like me), I saw myself through the eyes of my friends who felt obligated to like or comment on those images. But the minute I realized all that I posted were for other's validation and admiration, in itself showed how little of a self esteem I had, it was a subtle cry saying  please define me, accept me, admire me & validate me. Because of the entitled EGO (born off my low self esteem), whenever I didn’t receive the required acceptance and admiration I immediately declared people were jealous of me, envious of my talents etc etc... when underneath all the self claimed celebrity status I still knew I wasn't worth it and that I was faking to be larger than life. This is when my inflated EGO burst and I was shattered into a million pieces.

What we perceive as our Self image from the view of our EGOistic lens is what we want to be and not what we are. When my bubble burst, when my EGO was challenged I sat back and switched on my CCTV. My EGO was vain but My conscience was still there for my rescue. That is when I realized I am more beautiful than I ever perceived myself to be because I wasn't compelled anymore to compete, I realized I am more charming than I claimed myself to be because of the admiration I see in the eyes of my loved ones, I understood I was more talented than I gave myself credit for because of the way fame approached me rather than the other way around, I understood the meaning of humility when people appreciated me for who I really am and not for the image I had created, I realized the uniqueness that’s Me, understanding Myself and realizing I am happy the way god created me. A normal unique ME. The real ME. I see me as myself, Do you?.....