Chemistry

 WHO AM I? 😎😎

Started my journey as a daughter, then continued as a sister later chose to be a wife then blessed to become a mother, but apart from holding on to all such titles what is my identity, not how people see me but how I want to be seen by the world. Who Am I?

Let me start from the beginning, my earliest memory when I asked myself this question for the first time.

I must have been 4 or 5 years old. I asked my daddy, Who am I? 

His ever smiling face beamed with love as he picked me up in his chubby hands sat me on his lap and said you are my princess. I was not satisfied with that reply, so I persisted, no daddy, who am I? His brows creased a bit, pondering the right response, he smiled again and said you are my precious daughter named after my mother and he started explaining the meaning of my name when I dozed off still not receiving the reply I was looking for.

The next time this question arose was when I blamed my wrong doing on my brother to escape my dad's anger (which was almost never). After my brother understood that I had tattled on him he confronted me and said you should have owned up, what was the point of blaming me for your mischief? I felt a gush of guilt along with that question yet again, Was I a brave mischievous kid or the coward who would blame her own brother to escape the consequences. Who am I? 

As life passed by, many failures, few successes later, it was time to choose a path, whether to pursue arts or science? Though I wanted to pursue medicine from a very early age, my love for dance, music, reading and writing was far more than a passion it was my calling so I decided to pursue arts and circumstances also led me in that direction, maybe it was the universe working its way towards my goal, hahahaha I am laughing at myself saying it aloud. Who was I kidding? I was Jack of all trades and Queen of none. Yes I knew it but my pride wouldn’t give way to accept the reality that was me.

After 3 years of college, and a very stable relationship which ended in marriage, yes rightly put the relationship was everything but stable. It was as rocky as the Himalayas and as unstable as my wifi connection. This was when I even lost the one question that was nagging me from my childhood for almost 2 decades. When I was still a Science enthusiast I have read that The magnetic field of a magnetar would be lethal even at a distance of 1000 km due to the strong magnetic field distorting the electron clouds of the subject's constituent atoms, rendering the chemistry of life impossible. Once I identified myself as his wife the chemistry between him and me was more powerful than that of a magnetar that it distorted my own image of myself and rendered my whole being null and void making me a walking zombie as years passed and I kept failing myself and my children a decent living and a happy family for 25 years. Yes it took me that long to come back to my question. Who am I?

After somehow relieving myself and my girls from the leech that was feeding on me and everyone around me, I understood the meaning of my question. Its not Who am I? Its Who I am? I might not be the Queen of all trades but, I am the queen of my life. I am an optimist, a realist, a fighter, a Survivor …….or Am I?